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Ending Blog: Together we could have the greatness to change history

 Dear Engaged Bystander:  For more than a year, I have focused this bystander blog on preventing sexual violence. As I complete this last blog entry, I hope to offer an equally compelling argument for us to extend bystander intervention AFTER the abuse has been perpetrated.

 

When someone discloses sexual abuse, the people around them often respond in fear and in anger. If it is their child, family or friend who is victimized, that anger can turn to rage. If we read or hear about the trauma but we don’t know the victim, then our response may be to isolate ourselves from the people and the pain with the singular thought of “keeping myself, my child, my friends, my family safe”. 
 
How do fear, anger and rage help us listen to what a victim needs? How does our rage help us do whatever is necessary to keep the victim safe?   (I do recognize that it does help to create public policy…) Although the anger and rage may feel right, are they really helpful in our attempts to hold someone accountable for their actions? It is hard to be truly vigilant when we are enraged. And the isolation created by “keeping myself, my family and my child safe” may be our first instinctive response, but we can’t stop there. If we do, listen to the rest of the sentence:  “I don’t care as much about YOUR child, or your friend, as long as mine is safe...” It sends the message that we were powerless to prevent the abuse and equally powerless to stop any future abuse. That is NOT a message I want to send to anyone. 
 
During one of my workshops, a leader in the tribal community compassionately said to me, “The problem with you white people is that you would cut off your head if you could do get rid of a headache. You can’t do that with headaches and you can’t do that with sex offenders. They are a part of our community.” I will never forget these words and I still struggle in a good way with how to apply them in my own communities. 
 
I KNOW that our first response must always protect the victim. But if we stop there, it is clearly not enough.  Like a stone that is thrown into a pond, we need to follow the ripples outward. We need to take a systemic look at a situation which means that we need to not only protect the victim, but we also need to ensure that each victim has the resources to heal.  
 
Following the ripples outward, we need to hold the abuser accountable for his or her actions AND we need ensure that when he or she returns to the community has the resources to integrate safely back into that community. This has been a huge failure in our society, especially when the person who abuses is a child or adolescent. But to ensure safety for the victim, the abuser and the community we need to understand the risk factors and protective factors of those who abuse and how to create effective safety plans for abusers, families, institutions and communities. How many of us have taken the time to understand those who abuse – especially the children and teens who abuse? I believe that it is through this understanding that we can learn how to protect those we love. If you have not looked at the research or talked with someone who works with sex offenders, then consider taking on that responsibility. 
 
Where to find it? Some great places to begin are the NSVRC fact sheet, the Center for Sex Offender Management and the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers. I also co-write through NEARI Press a monthly fact sheet about adolescents who are sexually abusive that highlights the most current research .
 
Continuing to follow the ripples outwards, we, as bystanders, need to look at our responsibilities to help our communities heal. I have heard so many stories where people who do something, even just acknowledge a survivor’s experience 40 years later can have a huge impact on healing. Unfortunately, there are very few models and resources for community healing and this is critical to our movement. If we can imagine and safely implement a variety of responses to sexual abuse that range from prison to lifetime probation to returning safely into job, home and community we will empower the community to keep ourselves and our community safe. We are not helpless in the face of sexual violence. But to do this, we need to have a VERY different response to:
  • a 12-year old who sexually abuses a younger sibling or
  • a 15-year old arrested for sexting or
  • an 18-year old convicted of statutory rape after consensual sex with his girlfriend or
  • the 25-year old who is downloading child pornography or
  • the 30-year old who rapes his girlfriend or
  • the 40-year old who sexually abuses multiple children. 
 
We also need to be sure that our response is both immediate and long term. To me, this is the role that bystanders need to take on. We feel the impact and can affect change for years after the abuse is perpetrated. We are not helpless in the face of sexual violence and we need to stay involved from the point of prevention, through a disclosure of sexual abuse to a place of healing in the community. There are a few models of this kind of accountability and safety in the community, but they do exist. If you have not yet read about Circles of Support and Accountability or the incredible response of the First Nation of Canada in Hollow Water, please take the time to read about these. 
 
I know you know this, but if we accept the fact that we all are affected by a sexual assault then we also need to take on the responsibility of finding a path of safety for everyone in the community. If we, as bystanders, stay connected to the victim, the abuser and everyone in their families and circles of friends then ALL of us are safer. 
 
With this blog ending, please take the time, today, this week to try to challenge yourself to be a more active bystander. It might mean reading some of these resources or choosing to offer help to someone at the supermarket checkout line. Robert Kennedy said “Few of us have the greatness to bend history itself, but each of us can work to change a small portion of the events and in the total of all those acts, will be written the history of our generation." 
 
I will miss writing this blog and the chance to interact so please keep in touch. And with the works of Bobby Kennedy in mind, I know that together, we will make our homes, communities and society a safer place for those we love. 
 
Warmly
joan
 
PS Thanks to Becky Palmer, a friend and colleague who offered some fabulous ideas for this blog and always wonderful conversation. Becky works with both survivors and offenders at Alternative Behavior Treatment Centers and is on the Board of Directors of ATSA.     
Topics: Bystander | Community Response | Resources/materials

An Interview with Jackson Katz - Part II

Dear Engaged Bystander:  This is Part II of my interview with Jackson Katz

 

Joan: What is your vision for creating that institutional change?
 
Jackson: I recognize that I am using a very broad definition for bystander engagement: ANYONE who has peers, friends or colleagues, or anyone who plays a leadership role in a social group or institutional setting – which means virtually EVERYBODY. What is required is not just individual but institutional change. This is beginning to happen in the military. MVP has been doing bystander-focused prevention training in the military for 14 years, and it is exciting that now all four major branches of the U.S. military have decided to employ bystander programming system-wide to prevent sexual and domestic violence.  For example, by the summer of 2012 the Air Force has mandated that all personnel at every level need to go through what they’re calling Bystander Intervention Training. This training includes examining and interrupting behaviors on an abuse continuum, and also includes elements of media literacy education.
 
That level of commitment represents an institutional shift. It is promising in part because of the potential impact this can have in the larger culture.  Just like the MVP program’s initial strategy of targeting men in athletics, men in the military have a kind of elevated status in parts of male culture, and it is possible to leverage that status to make speaking out about sexism and sexist abuse more normal and acceptable among men. When men with traditional masculine authority speak out it gives all of us more credibility – especially with men who are skeptical. When the New England Patriots, the Marine Corps or the U.S. Army does bystander training, average guys can’t as easily write it off as “pc” posturing or anti-male propaganda.   At the same time, women in the military play an increasingly important role both in and outside of the military in redefining femininity, and bystander training helps them develop skills that can have a powerful effect in the service and beyond.
 
Joan: How do you see this affecting those who are not in the military? 
 
Jackson: When President Harry Truman signed an executive order in 1948 that racially integrated the military, it was part of – and had a tremendous impact on -- the emerging civil rights movement. Recently, I participated in a U.S. Army Summit on Sexual Harassment and Assault Prevention in Washington DC. Many key military leaders were there, including the Army Chief of Staff and the Sergeant Major of the Army, who gave keynote addresses. What the military is doing today in this area is really ahead of the curve. There is nothing in the civilian world of this scope and magnitude. Imagine what it would be like for some of the largest corporations or religious organizations to gather together for this kind of summit and make this kind of commitment. It really is pretty amazing. We need to encourage and pressure civilian institutions – especially schools – to study what the military is doing and take ideas from them.
 
Joan:   How do you see changes in technology affecting our work in coming years?   
 
Jackson: New technologies provide new opportunities – both good and bad. And those of us who do bystander work need of course to integrate the new technologies of communication and social interaction into our conception of the role of the bystander. One scenario we use in MVP is as follows. You are a young man sitting alone in your room, and you receive a text from a friend with a sexually explicit photo attached of his former girlfriend. No one else is in the room, but you are still a bystander -- to an abusive act by your friend, who’s sent this picture without her knowledge or consent. What do you do?  People generally agree that if you decide to send the text to another friend (e.g., “Jimmy you’ve got to see this” and push send) you are no longer a bystander – you are now contributing to that original abusive act. But what do you do? This scenario does not fit the usual bystander paradigm of seeing a friend getting a young woman drunk at a party. 
As educators and activists – and as parents -- we need to preemptively initiate conversations with young people about these kinds of situations, where people often make quick decisions that in the Digital Age can have ramifications for the rest of their lives. Here again we need to address the question of institutional responsibility. Educators everywhere need to have these conversations long before that moment of truth! If institutional leaders do not initiate curricular innovations or programming on these sorts of issues then they are being passive bystanders.   
 
Joan: Thank you so much Jackson. I loved having an excuse to call you to ask these questions. Questions that I ask myself every day... And I am truly moved by both your passion and your vision for where we all need to focus for the future. Thank you!
 
For more information about his books, films and for many useful tools, visit Jackson Katz’s website. 
 
Warmly

Joan

Topics: Bystander | Community Response | Guest Blog | Resources/materials | Skill building

Interview with Jackson Katz - Part I

Dear Engaged Bystander:  As my year as the NSVRC blogger comes to a close, I thought about who are the people who can provide insights to carry us all forward. Jackson Katz immediately came to mind. He is one of the first to apply bystander thinking, interventions and strategies to prevent sexual violence. So I am thrilled to have had a chance to speak with him and add his words to these last few blogging days. 

For those of you who don’t know Dr. Katz, here is a brief bio: Jackson Katz is an activist, educator, author and filmmaker, internationally recognized for his groundbreaking work in the field of gender violence prevention education, particularly in the sports culture and the military. He co-founded the Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) program in 1993. MVP is one of the original bystander programs; it has been widely influential in the burgeoning field of bystander intervention. In 1997 he created the first worldwide domestic and sexual violence prevention program in the United States Marine Corps, a program he still directs. He and his MVP colleagues also work closely with the Air Force, Army and Navy in the development of their bystander programs. You might also know him through his educational videos for college and high school students, including Tough Guise: Violence, Media, and the Crisis in Masculinity (2000), Wrestling With Manhood (2002) and Spin the Bottle: Sex, Lies and Alcohol (2004) or his book, The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help (2006). 
 
Part I:
 
Joan: What advice can you give to those of us invested in bystander approaches to preventing sexual violence? 
 
Jackson: I believe that bystander intervention – broadly understood – is the future of sexual assault prevention. But to be effective, we need a common and comprehensive understanding of the term ‘bystander.’ I prefer an expansive definition of ‘bystander’ that is rooted in social justice philosophy and education. Many people think of a bystander as someone who is present at the scene of a potential incident. Part of the confusion is how the word ‘bystander’ sounds; it sounds like it means ‘someone who is standing by.’  The way we have always used the term in the MVP program is to describe anyone who isn’t either a perpetrator or a victim in a given situation but is in a position to intervene before, during or after the act. Or a member of a peer culture that contains abusers or victims.  Or an authority figure in a position to enact prevention strategies.   In that sense virtually everyone is a bystander. The critical question is:  are you an empowered/active bystander or an inactive/passive bystander?   
 
To really transform our culture we need to go beyond simply teaching individuals the skills they need to intervene in given situations. We need to expand our thinking beyond the individual 20-year-old college or high school student, drinking at a party. For example, a person in a position of institutional authority, whether they’re a governor or mayor, university or college president, school superintendent or the principal of a high school, who does not use their position to initiate, fund and lead sexual violence prevention efforts, he or she is being a passive bystander. Individual skill building is important, but we need to look at systemic solutions. Unfortunately most people hear the word ‘bystander’ and only look at the very narrow frame of the individual response at the site of the abusive act.
 
Joan: Can you further explain the social justice-oriented approach to bystander intervention? 
 
Jackson: We have different levels of responsibility depending on where we sit on the continuum of social power. Of course individuals have a responsibility to act in their everyday lives and social worlds. But I am concerned that many bystander initiatives have moved away from the social justice roots of the bystander approach in a way that is both degendered and decontextualized.   It is useful to compare our approaches to working against ending sexual violence with anti-racist efforts.  For example, do blacks and whites have the same responsibility to work against racism in America? Most of us would agree that while we all need to fight racism, whites have a greater responsibility to act. The same is true of sexual violence. Do women have the same responsibility as men to interrupt sexual violence? When men commit the vast majority of it? (Whether the victims are women or men, girls or boys.) I believe women and men have complementary roles to play, but let’s not pretend that responsibility for prevention is shared equally between the sexes.
 
In our work to develop the MVP program in the early 1990s, social justice was our guiding philosophical foundation.  The question I was most interested in was: how do we get more men to speak up to challenge other men about how some of us behave toward women? At the time there were very few men involved in sexual assault prevention work. At MVP we settled on a strategy to address men not as perpetrators or potential perpetrators, but, as we said, as ‘empowered bystanders who can confront abusive peers.’ It was similar to challenging whites to speak out about racism, or heterosexuals to interrupt heterosexism.  Also, my idea to start MVP was not about the problem of sexual assault perpetrated by male student-athletes. It was about the role that sports play in the larger culture and particularly male culture. Men in sports often have enhanced status, and so we wanted them to use that status to help make it more acceptable for men to start challenging each other about how we treat women along a continuum of behaviors, ranging from sexist jokes and comments to sexual and domestic violence. Fairly soon thereafter we made the program mixed gender, addressing similar dynamics within female peer cultures and empowering women as bystanders as well. We’ve trained many thousands of women and girls, but we’ve never lost sight of the fact that ending men’s violence is more of a men’s than a women’s responsibility.    
 
Joan: How does this social justice approach challenge us in a way that individual change may not? 
 
Jackson: Solutions to social problems of the magnitude of sexual violence have to be social and institutional solutions. For example, there is no excuse for any college or university that has an athletic program NOT to have mandated sexual assault and relationship abuse prevention education for all student-athletes, coaches and athletic administrators.  If a college or university does not have this kind of programming – and hundreds do not -- it represents a failure of leadership at the level of the athletic director or university administration.   Sexual assault prevention education should be part of the student-athlete experience – for men and women, from the first moment a young student-athlete steps onto campus. For this to happen will require a shift in our expectations about  the role of campus leaders – university officials, athletic administrators, and coaches.  If they are not offering and requiring these kinds of programs, they are being passive bystanders and hence complicit in sexually abusive behaviors, many of which can be prevented.    The same logic about institutional responsibility on college campuses applies to leaders of Greek systems, housing, and other entities.
 
Look for tomorrow’s posting, Part II of this interview with Jackson Katz.
 
Warmly
Joan


Topics: Bystander | Community Response | Conferences/Trainings | Resources/materials | Skill building

Understanding the causal factors for rape builds the most effective prevention programs

Dear Engaged Bysander:  I recently heard the keynote from the annual MASOC/MATSA conference and was moved by the research Ray Knight presented. I know that sounds odd to be “moved” by research, but I was. It was a fabulous presentation and what I loved about it was that he challenged us to base our prevention programs on research evidence – more than just good ideas.

 
Knight argued that all prevention programs need to be focused on the causal factors of rape and not the correlates. What does that mean in plain English? If we want to be successful at stopping any social problem or disease we need to look at the factors that CAUSE that problem.  As an example, he showed a great cartoon of a caveman with tons of children saying “How do we prevent pregnancy when we don’t even know the cause of it?”
 
He then presented a model which offers a separation of the causal risk factors and the correlates to these factors. He suggests that prevention programs which focus on these causal risk factors will be more successful in the long run. The causal risk factors in his study included:
·         Hypersexuality
·         Callous/Unemotional
·         Antisocial behavior
 
The correlates that he specifically studied included: 
·         Alcohol use
·         Distorted perceptions
·         Rape attitudes
·         Pornography use
 
As he went into more detail, he offered compelling arguments that we as professionals need to read ALL of the literature. In this case there are often very distinct realms that rarely share knowledge – those who work with sex offenders and those who work on college campuses. He also demonstrated that the risk factors for adult rapists are not completely aligned with the risk factors for child molesters. In particular, this showed up in rape attitudes and distorted perceptions. So we need to be sure that we don’t use the same programs with college students as we may use in a program for children and youth. 
 
Finally, he talked about the impact of the environment on the individual – the environment and particularly toxic stress can affect the brain and even affect the genes of a child or adolescent. The “can” means that there are some individuals who are more vulnerable to the stress in their environment. So from a primary prevention point of view, addressing these stressors can also affect the ability of an individual to live safely (regardless of their proclivity to offend). 
 
So what are the implications for all of this? Certainly we need more research on this topic. But in the meantime, our bystander programs need to be sure to address the causal risk factors for rape IF we truly want to be successful. Understanding the impact of correlates is essential, but if we only target these correlates, we will not be able to get to the root of the problem. 
 
I would strongly suggest that you take a closer look at the article by Knight, Knight and Brown-McBride OR take the time to listen to this keynote. Both a podcast and the powerpoint from his keynote at the annual MASOC/MATSA conference is available on the MASOC website. 
 
Let me know what you think!
Warmly
Joan
Topics: Bystander | Research Reviews | Conferences/Trainings | Resources/materials

Why do we doubt the impact of bystanders?

Dear Engaged Bystander:  I often hear people question whether doing something (or saying something) will have any impact at all?  Maybe we have all been there... 

  • "I don't think he would listen to me..." 
  • "It really is none of my business...
  • "It won't make any difference..."
  • "I've tried to say something before and it didn't help..."

When does saying something make a difference?  At some level we don't know.  But when enough of us send the same message, when people with authority speak out, and when institutions take a stand against harrassment and sexual violence, it does make a difference. 

So one of those stories that has lingered with me is when Virgina Thomas, the wife of Justice Clarence Thomas left a voice mail message for Anita Hill asking her to apologize.  Anita Hill was not left to deal with this alone.  She went to the Brandeis police and they in turn handed the information to the FBI.  A Brandeis spokesperson was able to respond to all inquiries and many many people wrote letters of support and op ed pieces in support of Anita Hill and the statements she made under oath. 

 

If these bystanders were silent, Anita Hill would have been left to deal with this challenge to her integrity on her own. Instead, because of bystander actions and institutional support, the call was just that, only a call.  And to many it was a chance to voice yet again, the importance of what Anita Hill did in opening the door to this dialogue at the national level.  

 

Yet again, thank you Anita Hill for who you are and what you have meant to this movement. 

warmly

joan  

Topics: Bystander | Media Response

The Ethicist Raises Great Issues

Dear Engaged Bystander:  With only one week to go in my blogging, I wanted to reflect back on some issues and articles I missed along the way.  Do you ever wish you had said something but didn't?  Well, there is one article that has stuck in my mind for a while now. A letter to the Ethicist appeared in the NY Times Magazine section a few weeks ago. 

 

Here is the letter and the response: 

 

As a female board member of a nonprofit organization, I volunteered to type for an infirm elderly male board member on a book project whose proceeds would benefit the organization. But he leaned on me, followed me around and touched me inappropriately. These were no accidental slips; he is not senile, nor does he touch or lean on male colleagues. Furthermore, several female volunteers have quit in the past, all citing different reasons. I do not wish to embarrass him, but I am being criticized for no longer typing for him. Should I tell the board about the issue of the old man and the hands, as another will undoubtedly be asked to take my place? What if I inform them and they don’t do anything but laugh? NAME WITHHELD

 

Reading your letter, I kept expecting to hear you express some doubt. But it seems you have arrived at some very clear positions: the man’s behavior was inappropriate, it is part of a larger pattern and you will no longer stand for it. Rightly so. Whether his behavior merits the legalistic term “sexual harassment” or the more colloquial “creepy,” it is clearly not what you signed up for when you offered to do a favor for him and, by extension, the organization.

 

Weak as he is, he had you in a tough spot; you were “volunteering” because your organization asked you to, so that it might benefit from his largess. Which is why it’s fitting to bring your concerns to the board instead of trying to address them with him. Quickly, before the board sends any other volunteers into the same awkward fix. As an added benefit, speaking up will explain your decision to quit typing, which your fellow board members might otherwise regard as selfish.

The real question then is your last one: What if your organization doesn’t do anything? What if, as you say, they laugh? Volunteering for a group that is willing to take advantage of your generosity but not take seriously your experience is a nonprofit proposition. If it comes to that, walk right out the door.

 

 

This article lingered for me for two reasons.  First, I thought that the response was good -- and I like to highlight these public conversations whenever possible.  But I also felt that the writer deserved more clear affirmation for her insights and concrete suggestions for what to ask for.  In many cases people and organiations do not respond because they are not sure what to do.  In this case, I would suggest that she consider the following requests:

  • Someone on the board should talk directly with the board member in question about his specific behaviors as well as appropriate and inappropriate ways to treat male and female colleagues.  The board should also set out clear consequences if this kind of behavior is continued in any way.
  • The board should issue a formal apology and a letter of thanks to the board member who did come forward with her concerns. 
  • The board put on their agenda for future meetings a clear policy about sexual harrassment and about appropriate touch in the work setting. (If this does not exist)

There are other options as well, depending upon what other behaviors come to light.  And again, I am so glad that these questions are being raised and we all need to highlight the cases where people are opening these conversations.

warmly

joan

Topics: Bystander | Stories

NSVRC Public Service Announcement on 42nd Street in NYC... Wow!

Dear Engaged Bystander:  This week, I had the chance to go to New York City and saw the NSVRC public service announcement in Times Square. I grew up outside of NYC and this PSA had a lot of significance for me.

 

If you know NYC at all, you will have heard of 42nd Street. When I was growing up, this was the street where all of the peep shows and xxx rated films were shown. About 10 years ago, the City began to actively transform this street. Disney invested in theater renovations and the City moved the xxx rated stores and theaters out. 

 

So it really was incredible to see a PSA from the NSVRC displayed on this particular street. If you have not seen it,check out the ad and the video on location.

 

What makes this so incredible? Of any street in America, this is the street I would never have imagined a PSA about preventing sexual violence showing on a billboard. This was the street I would never walk down alone when I was a teenager. 

 

And the ad itself is moving. It says “It’s time… for listen, to respect, to protect, to support, to ask for consent, to speak out, to prevent sexual violence.

 

This ad contrasts with another PSA around the corner that was good, but it was speaking out against fear. They used a series of quotes about fear:

  • He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.
  • Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves -- regret for the past and fear of the future.
  • You block your dream when you allow fear to grow bigger than your faith.

While I agree with the sentiment of the ad, it does not go far enough. It says we can’t live in fear. But the NSVRC ad goes so much further and says what we need to work TOWARDS. So as I walked toward the Broadway play we were lucky enough to get tickets for, I reveled in the possibility of change and the amount of change I have been privileged to see in my life.

Warmly
joan

 

Topics: Bystander | Media Response

We all have stories to tell

Dear Engaged bystander:  I absolutely believe that ALL of us have many bystander stories to tell. In fact, if we interact with people every day, we have a story would could tell every single day. If we look at a time in our lives where we were being teased, sexually harassed or worse and someone did something – there is a story to tell. Or if we look at a time in our lives where we saw someone else who was uncomfortable or teased, sexually harassed or worse and we said something or did something to stop what was going on – there is a story to tell. 

 
For Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), I tested my theory. I started to talk with people in my life – my neighbor, my hairdresser, a friend, a friend of my daughter’s, and the education director at my synagogue – with the belief that each one of them would have a bystander story to tell.
 
It is true that it took a few minutes for each one of them to tell me a story. First, I had to explain what I meant by “sexual violence” – the incident could be any number of things along a continuum of behaviors. It did not have to be a violent sexual assault. Then they found it easy to come up with a story where no one stepped in (e.g., to interrupt the sexist joke or watch while someone yelled at their spouse or child in the supermarket). It felt like people had a “filing system” for the stories where someone was hurt or might have been hurt. But the positive stories were not as easy to access. But with a few more questions, the stories did begin to emerge. 
 
Each of these stories can be found on the SAAM CD, but I would like to give a little background. The first conversation I had was with Michael, my hairdresser at Chameleons. He hears many stories from many men and women every day so I knew this would be relatively easy for him. And his place is very politically active, often donating a day of their work towards a charity or raising funds for an event in town. So when I asked him the question and made it clear that any kind of story along the continuum of behaviors would do, I realized that he had tons of stories to tell. The most poignant ones were when kids came in and spoke about how they were bullied and asked for his advice. He gave them support for who they are, gave them options about what to do, and make sure that they did not feel so alone with their struggles. 

But the story I wrote about was how his mother was sexually harassed at a rehab facility. I wanted the story of someone older, to show how our programs and materials have to address behaviors across all of the years of our lives. I also just loved how she was unwilling to let this happen to her again or to anyone else. She was not ashamed about what happened but indignant that she would be treated this way. She also knew that a lone voice does not have as much power – so she told Michael and he too got involved.   
 
So what happened? I know that that particular orderly never worked with his mom again. I also believe that giving a voice to these stories do make a difference. In this case, I heard through Michael that she was so pleased to know that her story would be heard through the SAAM campaign and possibly reach others who have been in the same situation. My own opinion is that when we do share these stories, when we hear what others have done, it gives us hope AND gives us options about how we can act if we are faced with similar stories. 
 
So please do share your stories and I will share a few others in the days to come!
 
Warmly
joan   
 
 
 
 
 
Topics: Bystander | Stories | Resources/materials

Dr. Laura Berman Show on the Oprah Network

Dear Engaged Bystander: So I had my 15 minutes of fame on Monday. Through the NSVRC I got a call from Harpo Productions (yes the Oprah network!) asking if I would be interested in being a guest on the Dr. Laura Berman show. She is on their radio network and well, of COURSE I would want to be on the show. It is a great show and Dr. Berman is engaging, asks good questions and her approach is supportive rather than antagonist towards her guests. I was excited, actually thrilled and flattered to be asked!

 
In preparation, I thought through what my three key speaking points would be. Over the years, what I have learned is to know what you need to say and weave those points into any question that might be asked. My three points?
 
1.        The term “bystander” can be misleading – someone who stands by and is not affected by an event. What we do know is that when we witness violence in any form, we are affected by that violence. And when we do nothing, that choice is a reinforcement of the violence or harassment that we are witnessing.  The example I gave to Dr. Berman is the first interview I did with a sex offender where the man said he was not blaming anyone in his life, but in hindsight, “All of the signs were there and no one in his family, his circle of friends or his work ever asked me about it…” At the time, he took this as tacit permission to continue to sexually abuse children.
2.       If we want to prevent sexual violence we need to begin to intervene along the entire continuum of behaviors. The most difficult and often most dangerous time to intervene is when someone is being sexually assaulted. The best opportunity we have is to confront behaviors that are no appropriate in that setting or age group, or harassment, or begin the conversation with what is healthy in your home, faith community or workplace. 
3.       We often talk about individual change (outlined in the bystander book I wrote) but change in our communities and institutions may be even more important. Look at how we changed our attitudes and behaviors towards drinking and driving, cigarette smoking, and the environment. (give example) That is why the involvement of the NSVRC is so important to this change. For more information and to access the resources of this organization go to www.nsvrc.org. 
 
So I was nervous and well prepared. I certainly know this material very very well and I do talk about it all of the time. So what went wrong? 
 
She saw the word “preventing sexual violence” and interpreted that to be when someone is pulled into an alley to be sexually assaulted or a gang rape or some other form of extreme violence. She talked about a previous conversation about the military and how in that culture of violence, sexual violence or harassment is often overlooked. When I tried to speak to the importance of intervening along the entire continuum of behaviors she acknowledged that but then brought it right back to the point of what do you do when you see someone being raped.  On this second round on the topic, I was not sure how to answer it differently and tie that circumstance to a series of other behaviors and decisions. Unfortunately that fumbling is what you hear on the short clip posted to their website. And unfortunately, they cut the other sections where I felt I was speaking more clearly, including the reference to the NSVRC. 
 
Sigh… 
 
So what did I learn? I am reminded of the Frameworks report that the NSVRC pulled together that talks about the general public’s reaction to the term sexual violence. When I say these words, I see the entire array of behaviors from sexually inappropriate comments at a party, the “stolen” touch on the subway, the sexual harassment in the office and the sexual assault of anyone (male, female, adult or child). But according to Frameworks, most of the public hear rape and sexual assault in that term. And that is what I wished I had addressed up front  – if we want to stop sexual violence IN ANY FORM we need to address the behaviors earlier and directly. 
 
Hopefully, this is something to save for my next 15 minutes of fame.
 
Warmly
joan
 
 
 
Topics: Bystander | Media Response

Listen to How One Fraternity Changed More Than One Life

Dear Engaged Bystander:  A few months ago, I had the pleasure and privilege to interview Cassandra Thomas , Director of the Houston Area Women Center for her incredible story of hope.  In her story, she certainly busted my own stereotype of a college fraternity when some friends at a fraternity literally pulled her from a car because she was drunk, with a guy she did not know and they also knew she was recovering from a recent rape.  Cassandra’s honesty about this event is both moving and profound.  She also takes this story and the commitment of these young men into her work today where she is passionately committed to growing the circle of those who will speak out.  In fact she believes that we don’t have a right to not speak up when something is wrong. 

 

 

I wrote about her story in my blog and now you can also listen to her story through an NSVRC podcast. 

 

Take a minute to listen to her story.  And if you are moved, take a minute to write in your own story.  NO event is too small to share.  In fact it is these smaller day to day events that truly add up to a new social norm and a new way of just being with each other in the world

 

Thanks again Cassandra for sharing this story with us.

 

Warmly

Joan

 


 


Topics: Bystander | Stories | Skill building