Safe Sex(uality): Talking about what you need and want Relationships, dating, liking someone, or even being friends – can pull people in so many different directions. We want to make other people feel happy, but sometimes that is at odds with what makes us happy. We get a lot of information about sex, sexuality, and relationships, but sometimes this information doesn’t match up with what we really want. We hear all sorts of messages, and it can be overwhelming to think about what we need and what someone else might need too. It’s not often we get to think about how to act in ways that support safety and valuing our self and others. Knowing what we want and learning about what other people want is an important part of making and keeping healthy relationships. A “relationship” can be any connection: a close friend, someone you like romantically or sexually, or people who share similar interests as you. This resource is meant to give you the space to think about your needs and what others in your life may need. The intent is to explore these topics in a way that looks at our whole person: body, mind, experiences, and feelings. What do you want? To begin to focus on your needs and wants, it’s important to figure out what those needs are. This takes time and honesty. Pleasure – feeling good or comfortable – is really about safety, being fulfilled emotionally and intellectually, and feeling in charge of our bodies. We want to be able to be our whole person – every aspect of our self – when we are with other people we care about. Sometimes this can’t happen the way we want, but the goal is to create opportunities for it to happen. We want this because pleasure, boundaries, and our feelings make us who we are: wonderful and valuable people who deserve to be appreciated and respected. What does it FEEL like? Knowing what something feels like can be helpful as we search for spaces to support or prevent those feelings, as well as talk about them to others (Haines, 1999). Remembering how our bodies react to pleasure, safety, and respect is a very important part of finding our way back to those feelings. The following exercises can help you think about the ways you have felt emotions in your body. Think about a time when you felt safe and comfortable. What did it feel like in your body? For example, my muscles were relaxed and I felt clear about my thoughts. Now think of a time when you felt some form of pleasure – emotionally or physically, alone or with someone else. What did that feel like in your body? For example, my muscles felt like they were buzzing and I couldn’t help but smile. Can you think of a time when you felt pleasure, but did not feel safe or comfortable? What did that feel like in your body? For example, I felt confused and afraid – I didn’t like it in my stomach, and I had trouble breathing. We all may experience uncomfortable or difficult situations. We can find the strength to learn from and move forward – it just takes some patience and time. There are people out there who want to support us and make us feel comfortable, pleasurable, and safe. In addition to thinking about our own feelings and reactions, it can be very pleasurable to make others feel comfortable and safe. Connecting with someone else can bring pleasure in and of itself – as long as we are feeling respected. Think of a time when your words or actions made someone feel safe – it could be a time you helped a friend or a time you were with someone you really like. What did it feel like? For example, I felt butterflies in my stomach and could feel the beat of my heart. Sexuality is more than sex There are a lot of ways to look at sexuality. Sexuality is about so much more than the activities we engage in – it can be about our sense of self and sense of others. Sexuality can be how we feel about our bodies and body image. Sexuality could be when we just like someone – being around them or talking to them. The most important part of sexuality, though, is that it can make us feel valued, seen, and happy. This is particularly important when we think about preventing sexual violence or sexual assault. When everyone feels valued, seen, and happy, interactions are safe and reinforce our sense of self. Sexuality and an act of sex are different, but related, things. Sex can be a part of sexuality, but a person is complex and has a lifetime of experiences and ideas. For example, someone may not be interested in or ready for sex or sexual activity, but shares fears, thoughts about the future, and opinions with someone. This is intimacy and is a part of sexuality (Hunter-Geboy, 1995). Intimacy is what helps us feel emotionally close to other people and can be a big part of relationships – friendships, family, and dating. Consent and consensual activities. Asking for and hearing a “Yes” can support feelings of safety and respect, even if sex isn’t happening or going to happen. Consent means all of the people involved agree with what they are doing together. It is a shared decision that all people make without any pressure. Consensual interactions are the opposite of sexual violence. Consent is best when it is verbal, and when it shows a clear “yes.” For example, when two people are making out or kissing, they can ask each other if they are feeling comfortable. This doesn’t have to be formal or stuffy, a simple “Are you OK with this?” works just fine. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just a simple request between two people who respect and like each other. What do you feel comfortable talking to someone about? Take a look at the list below. Mark on the chart how comfortable you are talking with someone about the topic listed. As you’re doing this, think about: • Who you are thinking about? Someone you are dating? A friend? Someone you are in a relationship with? • When do you want to or think you can talk with them? As you’re getting to know them? Before you start getting physical? • An adult you trust for information. What would you say to learn more about something you don’t know about? What other reliable sources could you go to if you feel uncomfortable? Are you comfortable talking about… Comfortable OK Uncomfortable Have to think about it What makes you feel good or feel pleasure. What doesn’t make you feel good or what makes you uncomfortable. Protecting yourself and others from sexually- transmitted diseases (STIs). Protecting yourselves from unplanned pregnancies (if applicable). What it means to be respected. What honesty means. How you feel about your body. How they feel about their body. Boundaries about having a relationship (emotional, physical, or sexual) with other people. It can be difficult or awkward to have these conversations, but they are important to have. They also don’t need to happen at one time – opportunities will come up to talk about things. Just keep in mind that talking about these things can help improve your relationship because you both will understand and respect each other more. Notes This resource was informed by the work of Staci Haines and The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse. References Haines, S. (1999). The survivor's guide to sex: How to have an empowered sex life after child sexual abuse. San Francisco, CA: Cleis Press. Hunter-Geboy, C . (1995). Life planning education: A youth development program. Retrieved from Advocates for Youth: http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/storage/advfy/documents/lpe.pdf © National Sexual Violence Resource Center 2014. All rights reserved. Author: Liz Zadnik