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The Ethicist Raises Great Issues

Dear Engaged Bystander:  With only one week to go in my blogging, I wanted to reflect back on some issues and articles I missed along the way.  Do you ever wish you had said something but didn't?  Well, there is one article that has stuck in my mind for a while now. A letter to the Ethicist appeared in the NY Times Magazine section a few weeks ago. 

 

Here is the letter and the response: 

 

As a female board member of a nonprofit organization, I volunteered to type for an infirm elderly male board member on a book project whose proceeds would benefit the organization. But he leaned on me, followed me around and touched me inappropriately. These were no accidental slips; he is not senile, nor does he touch or lean on male colleagues. Furthermore, several female volunteers have quit in the past, all citing different reasons. I do not wish to embarrass him, but I am being criticized for no longer typing for him. Should I tell the board about the issue of the old man and the hands, as another will undoubtedly be asked to take my place? What if I inform them and they don’t do anything but laugh? NAME WITHHELD

 

Reading your letter, I kept expecting to hear you express some doubt. But it seems you have arrived at some very clear positions: the man’s behavior was inappropriate, it is part of a larger pattern and you will no longer stand for it. Rightly so. Whether his behavior merits the legalistic term “sexual harassment” or the more colloquial “creepy,” it is clearly not what you signed up for when you offered to do a favor for him and, by extension, the organization.

 

Weak as he is, he had you in a tough spot; you were “volunteering” because your organization asked you to, so that it might benefit from his largess. Which is why it’s fitting to bring your concerns to the board instead of trying to address them with him. Quickly, before the board sends any other volunteers into the same awkward fix. As an added benefit, speaking up will explain your decision to quit typing, which your fellow board members might otherwise regard as selfish.

The real question then is your last one: What if your organization doesn’t do anything? What if, as you say, they laugh? Volunteering for a group that is willing to take advantage of your generosity but not take seriously your experience is a nonprofit proposition. If it comes to that, walk right out the door.

 

 

This article lingered for me for two reasons.  First, I thought that the response was good -- and I like to highlight these public conversations whenever possible.  But I also felt that the writer deserved more clear affirmation for her insights and concrete suggestions for what to ask for.  In many cases people and organiations do not respond because they are not sure what to do.  In this case, I would suggest that she consider the following requests:

  • Someone on the board should talk directly with the board member in question about his specific behaviors as well as appropriate and inappropriate ways to treat male and female colleagues.  The board should also set out clear consequences if this kind of behavior is continued in any way.
  • The board should issue a formal apology and a letter of thanks to the board member who did come forward with her concerns. 
  • The board put on their agenda for future meetings a clear policy about sexual harrassment and about appropriate touch in the work setting. (If this does not exist)

There are other options as well, depending upon what other behaviors come to light.  And again, I am so glad that these questions are being raised and we all need to highlight the cases where people are opening these conversations.

warmly

joan

Topics: Bystander | Stories

We all have stories to tell

Dear Engaged bystander:  I absolutely believe that ALL of us have many bystander stories to tell. In fact, if we interact with people every day, we have a story would could tell every single day. If we look at a time in our lives where we were being teased, sexually harassed or worse and someone did something – there is a story to tell. Or if we look at a time in our lives where we saw someone else who was uncomfortable or teased, sexually harassed or worse and we said something or did something to stop what was going on – there is a story to tell. 

 
For Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM), I tested my theory. I started to talk with people in my life – my neighbor, my hairdresser, a friend, a friend of my daughter’s, and the education director at my synagogue – with the belief that each one of them would have a bystander story to tell.
 
It is true that it took a few minutes for each one of them to tell me a story. First, I had to explain what I meant by “sexual violence” – the incident could be any number of things along a continuum of behaviors. It did not have to be a violent sexual assault. Then they found it easy to come up with a story where no one stepped in (e.g., to interrupt the sexist joke or watch while someone yelled at their spouse or child in the supermarket). It felt like people had a “filing system” for the stories where someone was hurt or might have been hurt. But the positive stories were not as easy to access. But with a few more questions, the stories did begin to emerge. 
 
Each of these stories can be found on the SAAM CD, but I would like to give a little background. The first conversation I had was with Michael, my hairdresser at Chameleons. He hears many stories from many men and women every day so I knew this would be relatively easy for him. And his place is very politically active, often donating a day of their work towards a charity or raising funds for an event in town. So when I asked him the question and made it clear that any kind of story along the continuum of behaviors would do, I realized that he had tons of stories to tell. The most poignant ones were when kids came in and spoke about how they were bullied and asked for his advice. He gave them support for who they are, gave them options about what to do, and make sure that they did not feel so alone with their struggles. 

But the story I wrote about was how his mother was sexually harassed at a rehab facility. I wanted the story of someone older, to show how our programs and materials have to address behaviors across all of the years of our lives. I also just loved how she was unwilling to let this happen to her again or to anyone else. She was not ashamed about what happened but indignant that she would be treated this way. She also knew that a lone voice does not have as much power – so she told Michael and he too got involved.   
 
So what happened? I know that that particular orderly never worked with his mom again. I also believe that giving a voice to these stories do make a difference. In this case, I heard through Michael that she was so pleased to know that her story would be heard through the SAAM campaign and possibly reach others who have been in the same situation. My own opinion is that when we do share these stories, when we hear what others have done, it gives us hope AND gives us options about how we can act if we are faced with similar stories. 
 
So please do share your stories and I will share a few others in the days to come!
 
Warmly
joan   
 
 
 
 
 
Topics: Bystander | Stories | Resources/materials

Listen to How One Fraternity Changed More Than One Life

Dear Engaged Bystander:  A few months ago, I had the pleasure and privilege to interview Cassandra Thomas , Director of the Houston Area Women Center for her incredible story of hope.  In her story, she certainly busted my own stereotype of a college fraternity when some friends at a fraternity literally pulled her from a car because she was drunk, with a guy she did not know and they also knew she was recovering from a recent rape.  Cassandra’s honesty about this event is both moving and profound.  She also takes this story and the commitment of these young men into her work today where she is passionately committed to growing the circle of those who will speak out.  In fact she believes that we don’t have a right to not speak up when something is wrong. 

 

 

I wrote about her story in my blog and now you can also listen to her story through an NSVRC podcast. 

 

Take a minute to listen to her story.  And if you are moved, take a minute to write in your own story.  NO event is too small to share.  In fact it is these smaller day to day events that truly add up to a new social norm and a new way of just being with each other in the world

 

Thanks again Cassandra for sharing this story with us.

 

Warmly

Joan

 


 


Topics: Bystander | Stories | Skill building

When Bystanders Do Nothing They Open the Door to Abuse

Dear Engaged Bystander: When I give talks, I think that the hardest concept to get across is that our current frame for decision-making is wrong. Talk with anyone who sees something that makes them uncomfortable (e.g., a man pushing against a woman breasts in a NYC subway or a neighbor taking pictures of all the young girls at the public pool) and the decision they are trying to make is “to do something or do nothing”.  I think that when we are uncomfortable, we need to decide WHAT is the best and safest thing for me to do in this situation. And there are hundreds of actions we can take in ANY situation.  Having experienced the NYC subway, here are some things I have seen or heard: 

  • A young woman just comes out to loudly say to the man “That is just gross”,
  • A young man took a picture of him and quietly said if he did not stop it was getting sent to the police,
  • Upon exiting the car, one woman spoke with the young woman to see if this was a friend and if she was OK
  • An older man simply stepped in between the two of them creating a physical barrier
Imagine you are the young woman on the subway what message is she getting from all of the people doing nothing. Imagine you are watching this situation and then again, what message are you getting?
I recently read about a 17 year old high school junior who won a $1 million lawsuit from a Vermont school district where a principal, a teacher and a counselor were accused of failing to report their suspicions that a student was being sexually abused.   The lawsuit asserted that the school officials knew about the abuse for over a year but did not report what was happening to Josh Langlois (then 10 years old). During that year, the Josh continued to be sexually assaulted by his uncle who used a dog cage, dog collar and chains on his nephew.  After the prolonged and brutal sexual abuse, Josh was under custody of the state, bounced from school to school, had behavioral problems and lived for nearly two years at a residential care facility for sexually abusing behaviors. He now is living safely with a loving and stable foster family, getting good grades in school and making plans to attend college. 
Josh Langlois asked that his name be used so that he could speak about the case. When asked why, he replied that he wanted to highlight the law that requires teachers and others to report their suspicions of child abuse. He went on to say that just one phone call can save a child from abuse.
In a small town, I can understand someone’s reluctance to report someone they know if they are not totally sure that a child is being harmed.  But what we don’t often consider is the impact of our inactivity. In this case, Josh was sexually abused for more than a year. We need to find ways to see inaction as the deepest form of apathy and the only environment where sexual abuse can thrive. When asked whether you want to build a foundation for abuse, then doing nothing makes sense. 
Josh has experienced what it means to say nothing and then went on to demonstrate what it means to speak out as a victim and as a child who also harmed others. To me and I hope for all of us, he is a hero. 

Warmly,

Joan

Topics: Bystander | Stories | Community Response | Examples of Talking about It | Media Response

It's Never to Late to Say Something

Dear Engaged Bystander: 50 years later, the impact of a bystander to child sexual abuse could not be more profound. Imagine finally making the decision to talk about incest with your elderly aunt – only to find that she is willing to listen, acknowledge your reality and loving say “I am happy to hear you know it was not your fault.”  

 
This week, I had the chance to spend some time with a wonderful friend and colleague, Donna Jenson. Donna has written and performs a one woman play, “What She Knows: One Woman’s Way Through Incest”, based on her life as an incest survivor and what she has done to make her life worth living. It is a powerful play that she ties to an open conversation with her audience. 
 
She shared with me an amazing bystander story and conversation with her 80 year old Aunt Mable. As background to this story, Donna has let me share with you that she was sexually abused by her father from the age of seven to the age of twelve.   Although she has been an incredible activist for women and for survivors for decades, it took her until the age of 45 to come out to her family as a survivor of child sexual abuse. Many in her family refused to believe it. Others recognized that something was not right.
 
Joan: What did that mean to you, that some of your family recognized what was going for you at that time?    
 
One of my aunts told me something I hadn’t known. Early on in my life (I was maybe 3) my maternal grandmother knew something was very wrong – she noticed I trembled whenever my father entered a room. She tried to talk to my mom about it. My mother told my aunt, “If she makes me choose between him and the family, I’ll choose him.” And my grandmother remained silent.
 
I still wonder what would have happened to my life if their world had been surrounded by the idea of helping whole families, offenders included, rather than either putting up with them or throwing them away?
 
Joan: Now that it is 20 years later, what is it like for you to be in touch with your Aunt? 
 
I love having contact with my family and especially my Aunt now that my grandmother is gone. My Aunt Mable writes to me every Christmas and now even stays in touch through email and texting. In January of last year, I told her about my play and what it was about. Her immediate response was, “I would love to read it.” I did not send it to her because, even after all of these years, I was afraid that I would lose her too…” 
 
When I said I was coming to visit, she sent me a text that said, “So glad you are coming to visit. By the way, I am still waiting for a copy of your play.” I took a deep breath, wrote back and sent the play and my website. Two days later, I got a note that said “Just to let you know received the narrative. Have read it many times – trying to absorb it. Letter will follow.” I felt my stomach cringe, and even after all of these years, I got nervous about what her reaction might be. 
 
Then I got another note that made all of the difference in the world. “I liked it.  It is written well and serves the purpose for why it was written…   I am happy you can say ‘it wasn’t my fault’ because my dear it was not your fault. Thank you for sending it to me. Love you.”
 
Joan: How did you respond to her? How did it make you feel?
 
I wrote back to tell her that she is the best Aunt a girl could ever hope for. And her message, which I still have saved on my cell phone, makes me cry. It is like a little piece of grace. No matter how much hard work I do, there is a little pool of muck that remains – that is not fully drained. But when someone that close to the situation validates what I have done. It is the grandest, purest of affirmations, especially when most of the rest of my family can’t deal with this.   
 
Joan: What would you say to other families that might have a sense that something is not quite right?
 
You can make a difference -- just by being there. My Aunt Mable was one of the people I felt safe with. She has let me know that she knew something was not right. She was aware of the alcoholism and recognized what a tyrant my father was, even if she was not aware of the depth of the sexual abuse. Aunt Mable would always find ways to have special time with me, bounce me on her knee and sing silly songs together. In reality, when she came to visit I was safe. On her visits, she would sleep in my room and on those nights, nothing happened to me.  
 
These moments of safety and this special attention is part of the foundation that allowed me to build my healthy life today. My Aunt, my grandmother, my husband, my daughter, my grandson, Cole and the people, friends, I call my family of choice are all a part of this foundation. And for those who struggle with what to say, please know that her affirmations 50 years later of what was not right in my childhood is healing for me. And yes for me the only word to describe it is a form of grace. 
 
Joan: For more information about Donna’s work as a survivor and her incredible play, go to:
 
 
Topics: Bystander | Stories | Examples of Talking about It | Guest Blog

A Real Hero Calls His Actions "Just Normal Behavior"

Dear Engaged Bystander: Abraham Toure is being called a hero by local police for helping a rape victim who screamed for help. He says, he is not a hero, what he did is "just normal human behavior… I was thinking I could only imagine how scared this girl must be. I was just thinking, 'What can I do to help her?'"

 You can now read a number of articles that describe the full details of the story. But what is remarkable is how many things this young man did right. Here is just a short list:

 

He heard some screams and then the sound of someone being punched from a park while walking by. He did not race into a dark area by himself, but instead immediately called 911 for help. 

 When he realized the battery on his cell phone was low, he did not risk losing any chance to reach the police… he ran to get help. He knocked on a few doors until he found someone home who could call 911 and stay on the line until the police arrived.

 When he got some help, he went back to the edge of the park and started to yell. He did not expose himself to danger but he let the attacker know that someone was there and someone was watching. 

 When a young woman emerged without pants or shoes, he went to her and carried her to safety.   

In each case he found help.  In each case he ensured his own safety.  And he did not give up on the unknown girl he heard screaming from the bushes.  The story's ending?  The police arrived and found the alleged rapist trying to drive away and was able to easily arrest him.

Thank you Abraham Toure!

warmly,

Joan

 

 

 

Topics: Bystander | Stories | Community Response

Story 6: Families Holding the Line for Safety

Dear Engaged Bystander: The most powerful work that I have done in my career was to create public dialogues between survivors of child sexual abuse and abusers (Tabachnick, 2004). I first created these forums while working with Stop It Now. Over time, I have created many public dialogues in churches, community rooms, and conferences. For each of these events, I had the privilege to collaborate with survivors who had spent years working through the trauma they had experienced. I also worked with adults who had sexually abused a child, completed intensive treatment programs, and committed themselves to leading healthy and safe lives.  I have facilitated more than 50 of these dialogues (based upon a model developed by the Public Conversations Project). I have found every one of these dialogues emotional, moving, painful and inspiring. 
 
Given my own commitment to having everyone speak about this issue, I eventually added family members of an abuser to each event. This was a difficult person to find -- someone who would speak about their experience, share the shame and pain of learning of the abuse, and talk about the skills they acquired to deal with all of the difficult dynamics. Allison*, a grandmother whose husband sexually abused their granddaughters came forward to speak. 
 
As the facilitator of these events, I found that the audience was always incredibly respectful of the survivor and the abuser, recognizing the courage it takes to share such intimate and painful stories. 
 
However, in one such event, when Allison* spoke about the unraveling of this trauma, a woman in the audience stood up in anger and asked the first hostile question. “How could you have NOT seen what was happening to your granddaughters? I see children who are abused every day in my work and it is so clear that something is wrong.” 
 
As the facilitator, I was about to jump in, but Allison responded kindly and immediately. She said, “You’re right, if I knew then what I know now I might have seen what was going on. Or if I knew enough to at least ask a question. But even in hindsight, it would have been hard because the girls were doing really well in school. I knew at some level that something was wrong, but I also thought it had more to do with the divorce their parents were going through…”
 
Allison then went on to say, “But if I knew then what I know now about my husband’s behaviors, I wish I had seen the change there and talked with him about it. If I had, my grandchildren would not have been harmed. And THAT is why I choose to speak at this dialogue and I am willing to tell my story again and again so others may learn from my experience.”
 
Allison was then asked question after question about how her life and her family’s life has changed. She talked about how they no longer spend holidays together as a family, but she spends each holiday with her daughter and granddaughters while her husband does something else. She said how each of her granddaughters make decisions about if, when, and how they will see their grandfather again – each girl making very different decisions based upon where they are. And she talks about how her life with her husband has changed and is much better for the open conversations they have together. 
 
What I find most remarkable about this story and about Allison is knowing how much safer Allison’s family is BECAUSE of her willingness to be vigilant about the family decisions, stay in connection with her husband to ensure he stays on track, and most of all, be open about what happened so others can learn. 
 
The entire community is safer because of what we can learn from Allison.  That is why I chose to share her story here.  I know this is not an easy path for her, for anyone. But I admire her so much for what she has decided to do and how well she cares for those she loves.
 
 Warmly
Joan
 
* The people in this story have given permission to use their story. However, the names of the people in this blog posting have been changed to protect their privacy and ensure their safety. Specific identifying information may also have been altered. 
 
PS  For a full description of the Dialogue Project I developed at Stop It Now!, you can read more in this article:  Tabachnick, Joan.Dialogue project breaks new ground. (2004).Crime Victims Report, November/December, 2004. Vol. 8, No. 5, 65-66.

Topics: Bystander | Stories

Story 9: What I have learned from stories told by abusers

Dear Engaged Bystander:  Listening to stories is my passion – I learn so much from hearing how people cope, how people change, and I am especially moved by the strength and courage it takes to emerge into a new life after experiencing profound trauma. Stories are the way that people make sense of themselves and their world (Shannon, 1995). Throughout my career in prevention, I had the privilege of hearing hundreds of stories from families and friends who cared deeply enough to reach out for help. These are the stories that I carry with me every day. 
 
The unique perspective I have taken is to listen to the stories told by sexual abusers. I thought it might be interesting to share some of what I have learned over the years. 
 
“All of the signs were there… and no one in my family or circle of friends ever asked about them.” When a young man in prison said this, I asked him to explain the warning signs that people should have noticed. He said that he always took young boys to family parties but never someone his own age, all of his hobbies were things that would be of interest to a young boy, he did not have friends his own age, and the list went on. It was incredibly helpful to me at the time (Tabachnick, 2003). And over time, the question began to change. I began to ask questions about WHO he would have listened to (someone like himself, someone who had the same addictions but learned how to control them) and WHAT they could have said (“I am talking with you because I care about you”).   
 
“My daughter had more courage than I did to be able to start talking about what happened…” I still remember when a father talked about how thankful he was that his daughter could say the words he had tried to say over and over again. He talked about the incredible shame he felt and how hard it was to bring up a topic that no one ever talks about. He also said that he wished someone had asked him directly about their concerns. For example, one friend knew something was going on, but only asked once if everything was OK. He said he mumbled some reply because he did not know what his friend might have known. In hindsight, he wished his friend had asked him a more direct question and said the words first so he knew he would not be alone through this ordeal. 
 
“When I say don’t worry, I won’t ever abuse again – that is the exact moment when you need to worry…” One man, who became a close colleague, said that if anyone says “Don’t worry about me”, it means that they are losing a huge part of their social circle and the support to never abuse again. It is a huge conundrum since we want to hear that everything will be okay again. But the reality is that a sexual abuser who knows his/her own triggers, can talk with their family and friends to help keep them on track. It is a huge role for the family, but it is so essential to change the circumstances that lead up to sexual abuse. 
 
Last, and most importantly, I heard over and over again the need for hope. Many people whose lives have been touched by victims and/or abusers report that they do feel hopeful: that victim’s can transform into survivors who are more resilient as a result of their struggles; that people who abuse -- especially the children and adolescents who have abused – can learn to control their behaviors and become safe, healthy and productive members of society; and that communities, though forever changed by child sexual abuse, can become stronger, healthier and better able to protect their children.
 
That is such a key role for all of us, as friends, family and bystanders.
Warmly
Joan
 
PS I initially talked about some of these ideas in a 2003 article: Tabachnick, Joan. (2003) Create a Social Marketing Campaign with Information Learned from Abusers, those At-Risk to Abuse, and their Friends and Families. National Child Advocate. Vol 5, No 2. Summer. 
Topics: Bystander | Stories

Fraternity Brother Sexually Assaults A Brother

Dear Engaged Bystander: We don’t often hear about male on male sexual abuse on college campuses. And according to one expert, that is part of the problem. Shira Tarrant acknowledges her reluctance to speak out initially and said that she was compelled to speak up because sexual assault breeds in a Petri dish of silence. 
In her Ms Magazine blog posting she talks about how a 21 year old man at Drake University allegedly sexually assaulted his fraternity brother.  And now there are now accusations that he's sexually assaulted again.  She acknowledges the difficulties that friends face when deciding whether and how to speak up. According to Tarrant, “…even vocal bystanders risk violating a tacit cultural agreement to keep such problems hushed up.” 
This excellent Ms. Magazine Blog Posting discusses this case in the broader context of campus policy issues. It is definitely worth reading for her overview of the case and for the links she provides to excellent programs that can make a difference on college campuses. 

Warmly

Joan

Topics: Bystander | Stories | Community Response

Woman decides she has had enough on a NYC Subway

Dear Engaged Bystander: When faced with a subway flasher, woman decides she is not going to take it anymore

Maybe I am biased by my own experiences.  But unfortunately, I think most women have had someone touch their breasts on a crowded bus, rub their genitals against them in a crowd, or expose themselves in park or other “safe” public space. I think that most of us have been shocked, surprised, and in most cases said nothing.  
I know for me, a man flashed me at age 12 when I was at the beach with my family, at 16 a man touched my breast while I was sleeping on a crowded bus, and finally at 21, when I awoke on a sleeper car in France with a man touching my inner thigh, I sat up, turned on the light and starting yelling (in French) so that others in my sleeping car would understand what was going on. 
A man rubs up against her on the NYC subway with his penis exposed. She starts yelling at him and makes sure that everyone can hear and see what is going on. She clearly takes charge of this situation. And luckily she is not alone. Others in the car take pictures of the situation while she calls 911. When the subway arrives at the next subway stop, the police are waiting to arrest the exhibitionist. The police have a clear case against the man because of the evidence provided by dozens of cell phone pictures taken by other passengers (bystanders) in the subway car.   
To me this is a great example of how the victim made it clear to everyone that this behavior was not OK. I am so glad to say that in this case, other passengers took her lead and helped ensure that the perpetrator was not allowed to continue his behaviors. 
That is a story to give thanks about!
Warmly
Joan
Topics: Bystander | Stories