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Media Response

Why do we doubt the impact of bystanders?

Dear Engaged Bystander:  I often hear people question whether doing something (or saying something) will have any impact at all?  Maybe we have all been there... 

  • "I don't think he would listen to me..." 
  • "It really is none of my business...
  • "It won't make any difference..."
  • "I've tried to say something before and it didn't help..."

When does saying something make a difference?  At some level we don't know.  But when enough of us send the same message, when people with authority speak out, and when institutions take a stand against harrassment and sexual violence, it does make a difference. 

So one of those stories that has lingered with me is when Virgina Thomas, the wife of Justice Clarence Thomas left a voice mail message for Anita Hill asking her to apologize.  Anita Hill was not left to deal with this alone.  She went to the Brandeis police and they in turn handed the information to the FBI.  A Brandeis spokesperson was able to respond to all inquiries and many many people wrote letters of support and op ed pieces in support of Anita Hill and the statements she made under oath. 

 

If these bystanders were silent, Anita Hill would have been left to deal with this challenge to her integrity on her own. Instead, because of bystander actions and institutional support, the call was just that, only a call.  And to many it was a chance to voice yet again, the importance of what Anita Hill did in opening the door to this dialogue at the national level.  

 

Yet again, thank you Anita Hill for who you are and what you have meant to this movement. 

warmly

joan  

Topics: Bystander | Media Response

NSVRC Public Service Announcement on 42nd Street in NYC... Wow!

Dear Engaged Bystander:  This week, I had the chance to go to New York City and saw the NSVRC public service announcement in Times Square. I grew up outside of NYC and this PSA had a lot of significance for me.

 

If you know NYC at all, you will have heard of 42nd Street. When I was growing up, this was the street where all of the peep shows and xxx rated films were shown. About 10 years ago, the City began to actively transform this street. Disney invested in theater renovations and the City moved the xxx rated stores and theaters out. 

 

So it really was incredible to see a PSA from the NSVRC displayed on this particular street. If you have not seen it,check out the ad and the video on location.

 

What makes this so incredible? Of any street in America, this is the street I would never have imagined a PSA about preventing sexual violence showing on a billboard. This was the street I would never walk down alone when I was a teenager. 

 

And the ad itself is moving. It says “It’s time… for listen, to respect, to protect, to support, to ask for consent, to speak out, to prevent sexual violence.

 

This ad contrasts with another PSA around the corner that was good, but it was speaking out against fear. They used a series of quotes about fear:

  • He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.
  • Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves -- regret for the past and fear of the future.
  • You block your dream when you allow fear to grow bigger than your faith.

While I agree with the sentiment of the ad, it does not go far enough. It says we can’t live in fear. But the NSVRC ad goes so much further and says what we need to work TOWARDS. So as I walked toward the Broadway play we were lucky enough to get tickets for, I reveled in the possibility of change and the amount of change I have been privileged to see in my life.

Warmly
joan

 

Topics: Bystander | Media Response

Dr. Laura Berman Show on the Oprah Network

Dear Engaged Bystander: So I had my 15 minutes of fame on Monday. Through the NSVRC I got a call from Harpo Productions (yes the Oprah network!) asking if I would be interested in being a guest on the Dr. Laura Berman show. She is on their radio network and well, of COURSE I would want to be on the show. It is a great show and Dr. Berman is engaging, asks good questions and her approach is supportive rather than antagonist towards her guests. I was excited, actually thrilled and flattered to be asked!

 
In preparation, I thought through what my three key speaking points would be. Over the years, what I have learned is to know what you need to say and weave those points into any question that might be asked. My three points?
 
1.        The term “bystander” can be misleading – someone who stands by and is not affected by an event. What we do know is that when we witness violence in any form, we are affected by that violence. And when we do nothing, that choice is a reinforcement of the violence or harassment that we are witnessing.  The example I gave to Dr. Berman is the first interview I did with a sex offender where the man said he was not blaming anyone in his life, but in hindsight, “All of the signs were there and no one in his family, his circle of friends or his work ever asked me about it…” At the time, he took this as tacit permission to continue to sexually abuse children.
2.       If we want to prevent sexual violence we need to begin to intervene along the entire continuum of behaviors. The most difficult and often most dangerous time to intervene is when someone is being sexually assaulted. The best opportunity we have is to confront behaviors that are no appropriate in that setting or age group, or harassment, or begin the conversation with what is healthy in your home, faith community or workplace. 
3.       We often talk about individual change (outlined in the bystander book I wrote) but change in our communities and institutions may be even more important. Look at how we changed our attitudes and behaviors towards drinking and driving, cigarette smoking, and the environment. (give example) That is why the involvement of the NSVRC is so important to this change. For more information and to access the resources of this organization go to www.nsvrc.org. 
 
So I was nervous and well prepared. I certainly know this material very very well and I do talk about it all of the time. So what went wrong? 
 
She saw the word “preventing sexual violence” and interpreted that to be when someone is pulled into an alley to be sexually assaulted or a gang rape or some other form of extreme violence. She talked about a previous conversation about the military and how in that culture of violence, sexual violence or harassment is often overlooked. When I tried to speak to the importance of intervening along the entire continuum of behaviors she acknowledged that but then brought it right back to the point of what do you do when you see someone being raped.  On this second round on the topic, I was not sure how to answer it differently and tie that circumstance to a series of other behaviors and decisions. Unfortunately that fumbling is what you hear on the short clip posted to their website. And unfortunately, they cut the other sections where I felt I was speaking more clearly, including the reference to the NSVRC. 
 
Sigh… 
 
So what did I learn? I am reminded of the Frameworks report that the NSVRC pulled together that talks about the general public’s reaction to the term sexual violence. When I say these words, I see the entire array of behaviors from sexually inappropriate comments at a party, the “stolen” touch on the subway, the sexual harassment in the office and the sexual assault of anyone (male, female, adult or child). But according to Frameworks, most of the public hear rape and sexual assault in that term. And that is what I wished I had addressed up front  – if we want to stop sexual violence IN ANY FORM we need to address the behaviors earlier and directly. 
 
Hopefully, this is something to save for my next 15 minutes of fame.
 
Warmly
joan
 
 
 
Topics: Bystander | Media Response

When Bystanders Do Nothing They Open the Door to Abuse

Dear Engaged Bystander: When I give talks, I think that the hardest concept to get across is that our current frame for decision-making is wrong. Talk with anyone who sees something that makes them uncomfortable (e.g., a man pushing against a woman breasts in a NYC subway or a neighbor taking pictures of all the young girls at the public pool) and the decision they are trying to make is “to do something or do nothing”.  I think that when we are uncomfortable, we need to decide WHAT is the best and safest thing for me to do in this situation. And there are hundreds of actions we can take in ANY situation.  Having experienced the NYC subway, here are some things I have seen or heard: 

  • A young woman just comes out to loudly say to the man “That is just gross”,
  • A young man took a picture of him and quietly said if he did not stop it was getting sent to the police,
  • Upon exiting the car, one woman spoke with the young woman to see if this was a friend and if she was OK
  • An older man simply stepped in between the two of them creating a physical barrier
Imagine you are the young woman on the subway what message is she getting from all of the people doing nothing. Imagine you are watching this situation and then again, what message are you getting?
I recently read about a 17 year old high school junior who won a $1 million lawsuit from a Vermont school district where a principal, a teacher and a counselor were accused of failing to report their suspicions that a student was being sexually abused.   The lawsuit asserted that the school officials knew about the abuse for over a year but did not report what was happening to Josh Langlois (then 10 years old). During that year, the Josh continued to be sexually assaulted by his uncle who used a dog cage, dog collar and chains on his nephew.  After the prolonged and brutal sexual abuse, Josh was under custody of the state, bounced from school to school, had behavioral problems and lived for nearly two years at a residential care facility for sexually abusing behaviors. He now is living safely with a loving and stable foster family, getting good grades in school and making plans to attend college. 
Josh Langlois asked that his name be used so that he could speak about the case. When asked why, he replied that he wanted to highlight the law that requires teachers and others to report their suspicions of child abuse. He went on to say that just one phone call can save a child from abuse.
In a small town, I can understand someone’s reluctance to report someone they know if they are not totally sure that a child is being harmed.  But what we don’t often consider is the impact of our inactivity. In this case, Josh was sexually abused for more than a year. We need to find ways to see inaction as the deepest form of apathy and the only environment where sexual abuse can thrive. When asked whether you want to build a foundation for abuse, then doing nothing makes sense. 
Josh has experienced what it means to say nothing and then went on to demonstrate what it means to speak out as a victim and as a child who also harmed others. To me and I hope for all of us, he is a hero. 

Warmly,

Joan

Topics: Bystander | Stories | Community Response | Examples of Talking about It | Media Response

How you report a story or how you read it makes all of the difference in the world

Dear Engaged Bystander:  If you have not yet heard, the NY Times (and a number of other publications) wrote a story about a horrific case of an 11 year old child being raped by as many as 18 boys and young men.  The case has rocked the lives of a small community in Texas.  

 

An elementary school student told her teacher that she had seen a lurid cellphone video that included one of her classmates. This brave disclosure (and the teacher who listened to a young girl’s concern) led the police to an abandoned trailer, more evidence and, eventually, to a roundup of 18 young boys and young men (12-27 years old) on charges of participating in the gang rape of a young girl in an abandoned trailer home.
 
The controversy has sparked petitions and commentary on the way this particular case was covered.  The NY Times story has been widely criticized for the lack of sensitivity (e.g., quoting neighbors on their concern for the young boys without mentioning any trauma that the victim may be experiencing) and for it’s general tone of victim blaming.
 
I want to be clear that any 11 year old who is raped (and brutally raped in this case) needs ALL of our support.  We need to be sending a clear message to the victim that she did nothing wrong and that she did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment.  So the comments quoted in this article about the way she dressed (e.g., she dressed like a 20 year old) and about her mother’s lack of supervision are painful to read and just wrong. 
 
But I also think that the current debate is missing a lot. 
First, there is nothing in the original article or any of the blogs that commends the child who reported the videos and the teacher who believed her.  There are so many cases where people know something happened but no one speaks up.  There are so many cases where the adult does not take a report seriously.  Both are incredible and give everyone in the case a chance to get help.  There is also nothing that commends the police because of their immediate response and following the evidence.  Second, I do not have a problem with asking the question about the role and the lack of supervision by the mother of this 11 year old.  But this is a small town and many people could have seen the wandering of an 11 year old, unsupervised and stepped in to help.  Where were the neighbors and the faith communities and the child protective services and friends and neighbors?  I also believe that if the NY Times decides to put in a quote about the victim, there should be the same question asked of the mothers of the middle school boys who were there as well.  Where were the mothers and fathers of the middle school boys who raped an 11 year old? And last, I do think we need to begin to voice our concern for the victim AND for the boys who allegedly raped the 11 year old.  Each of those adolescents need help and support from their families to acknowledge the harm they caused and support to help them turn their lives around.   
 
My hope is that the 11 year old and her mother are getting the help and the support they deserve. I also hope that the boys and the young men get the help they need as well as being held accountable for this horrific crime.   And last, I hope that this becomes a wake-up call for all of our communities, including Cleveland Texas.  The next time someone sees a child or teen at risk -- a vulnerable child on the street or a group of young men in their late 20’s hanging out with middle school boys -- it is time to say something or do something. We all should learn from this.
 
Warmly
Joan

 

Topics: Bystander | Community Response | Media Response

Just Do Something

 

Dear Engaged Bystander: I just watched an NBC special called "My Kid Doesn't Bully."  I felt that this was worth writing about because they talk explicitly about the role of bystanders. What impressed me most on this show was how one of the invited experts, Rosiland Wiseman, (author of Queen Bees and Wannabees) talked about the impact of the bystander’s decision to do nothing. She said that the most common choice that bystanders will make is to stay “neutral” and not getting involved. She went onto say that this decision is actually a decision to support the bully. 
Now, this was clearly a made for TV special and there is a lot that is problematic about it (e.g., the boys are in sports settings and the girls are looking at fashion, there is no discussion of race dynamics, and the “actors” who played bullies were considerable older than the participating kids – making it even more difficult to confront them.
 But the TV special made some excellent points. All of the experts talked about how it is important to do something – that doing something is a way for the bystanders to ensure that the bully or “mean girl” does not take away everyone’s power. At one point, when the victim actor began to cry because of the bullying by another actor, one of the boys watching the incident just lay down on the floor of the gym. This was one effective way to deflect the bully’s attention on the victim. In another incident, one girl was so angry that she just confronted the bully and said that this kind of bullying behavior was just unacceptable. Truth be told, her words were more along the lines of WTF…  
What I liked about the special is that it showed concrete examples of what children and teens can do when they see this kind of bullying behavior. And through the examples, it was clear that there were many options for what a bystander can do in the moment but also afterwards. 
What I didn’t like was that they clearly said that “kindness doesn’t work.” They told parents that being nice and kind is not enough because it is not effective when confronting a bully. I get what they were trying to say, but I believe that we do need to be able to be BOTH confrontative AND kind. The bully may back off when he or she is confronted. But if we want the bully to change, we need to be sure to find ways to show the bully a better way through the difficulties of adolescents. 

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

This same wisdom can be applied to sexual violence prevention. I would argue that we don’t know:
  • The simple ways to talk with someone about their behaviors
  • How to confront someone’s sexual behaviors in a kind way, that encourages them to change
  • The impact of doing nothing, because if we did, I am SURE that most families would at least try to confront the behaviors they see in front of them. 

Hopefully we will be able to get this same kind of attention soon. In the meantime, take the lead of these kids and say something the next time you see something.
Warmly
Joan
 
 
Topics: Bystander | Examples of Talking about It | Media Response

A President Convicted of Rape Sends Seismic Change Throughout this Small Country

Dear Engaged Bystander:  On Thursday, December 30, 2010, a former president of Israel was convicted of two counts of rape. This is the first time that any head of government of any democratically led country was convicted of such charges. 

The decision was seen as a “mixed blessing” by many in Israel. While the decision showed that all citizens are equal before the law (even a former president of the country), the country is also deeply disgraced by his actions. However, victim rights advocates described the decision as a “generational shift in society that has historically indulged the machismo of its leading men.” The impact of the trial has already been seen by many working with victims. For example, staff at the Tel Aviv Rape Crisis Center said that there has been a spike in the number of calls to the organization’s hotline. Government reports show that the number of complaints of sexual abuse increased by 40 percent from 2009 to 2010. 
One of the most interesting political and legal shifts that may come out of this decision is that a number of victim advocates are petitioning “the attorney general to consider criminal charges for Katsav cronies who helped him keep a lid on his exploits.”
If these petitions are successfully file and prosecuted, it would send a clear message that not only is rape and sexually harassment illegal, but it would send a clear message that staying silent about what you see and hear in others is also a crime. As someone who has worked to show the impact that bystanders can have in any situation, this would be a seismic shift for any country and especially one that is based in a military culture that often ignored the transgressions of its leaders. According to Yofi Tirosh, a lecturer in law and feminism at Tel Aviv University, “No longer will journalists and high-ranking colleagues of these powerful men say, ‘Oh well, it’s part of the privilege of being a high-ranking official.’ It’s a crime like every crime,”
This case, like many rape cases, is very complicated. Many cannot reconcile these charges with the incredible work Katsav has done for his country. Other wonder if these charges were made because Katsav is a Sephardic Jew, sometimes viewed as second class citizens. And others have said that he brought it on himself when he drew attention to the case when he claimed to be blackmailed by an employee and when he then refused the original plea bargin, insisting that his case go to trial. 
Hoping for change,
joan
Topics: Bystander | Media Response

What can we learn from campaigns to market taboo items?

 Dear Engaged Bystander: I think that some of my best work is when I step out of the sexual violence prevention world and see how others are making a difference. I am on a social marketing list serve which talks about how to use private sector marketing concepts (e.g., the 4 Ps of marketing: product, price, place, and  promotion) to make the world a better place. I recently saw a posting by Craig Lefebvre about how “social taboos suppress discussion of many details about life: bodily functions, sexual problems, and other socially stigmatizing conditions. Discomfort with these topics compromises our health and short-circuits our quality of life by keeping important information in the dark.” 

Sounds a lot like the issues we face in our field. 
Craig goes on to say that our “Taboos also create social isolation. When forced to navigate forbidden areas, people often find that they have little information and are reluctant to experiment or explore. This may translate into untapped opportunities…”  He then linked to a fabulous posting on this very subject by Fast Company's Co.Design newsletter. 
It is definitely worth looking at this newsletter. I find the idea of untapped opportunities key to our work with engaging bystanders. However, if you don’t have the time, here are their tips for designing a campaign about an issue no one wants to talk about. Ignore the business terms, the value is in what they are suggesting for our work. 
1. Know the taboos
By listening carefully, you can be early to discover subjects that carry social stigma in your particular business domain. What topics are discussed only behind closed doors?
2. Respect embarrassment
Create brands that initiate discussion, build trust, and share information. Design activities, forums, or tools that engage the full emotional range.
3. Reframe social stigmas
Break with social convention and give people permission to engage taboo topics in new and invigorating ways. Supply them with new language to name their needs.
4. Allow for avoidance
Not everyone is yearning to be liberated from a taboo. Give people alternatives that accommodate the distance they’d like to maintain.
As I read through this short list, I think that we DO know the taboos that people face around sexual violence and I think that we are getting much better about creating opportunities for safe dialogues that fit a variety of audiences.  I have seen some great examples where people have been able to reframe social stigmas. Certainly the campaigns that target men have done just that: Men Can Stop Rape, Mentors in Violence Prevention , and Boys Talk are just a few of them. VAWA  has a great resource list to learn more about these and other programs. 
But in this field, we don’t do as good a job on the last point, “Allow for Avoidance.”   In our own urgency to get people to see the magnitude of sexual violence, we forget that to be truly engaged, people need to decide to see this issue in their own timeframe. What would that mean in this field? It may mean waiting for the right time and place to say something – or waiting for the best person to do something. I don’t suggest waiting when the violence is being perpetrated. I do think it would be helpful to promote some strategic thinking about how and when and who responds when we may see some risky behaviors. 
So read the article and let me know if you find some information of value here. 
Warmly
Joan 
 
 
Topics: Bystander | Media Response | Resources/materials

Hero saves 8 year old girl from kidnapper

Dear Engaged Bystander:  We say it rarely happens, but sometimes a stranger does show up and takes a girl right from her front yard. As a parent, I can say that this is my worst nightmare. In Fresno this week, Gregoria Gonzalez pulled up in an old pick up truck and grabbed an 8 year old girl from her front yard while she was playing with friends.   

One reason this story is making the news is because a man in the neighborhood, Victor Perez,  saw the story on TV and saved the little girl. 
Victor Perez did a remarkable thing that morning. After seeing photos of the truck on TV Victor Perez and his cousin Flor Urias looked out the window and saw the same truck making a u-turn in front of the house.  Victor jumped into his own truck and gave chase. He pulled up next to Gregoria to “ask for directions”, but in the middle of the conversation Gregoria sped off. When Victor cut him off, Gregoria raised his arms in anger and that was when Victor spotted the little girl.   After Victor cut him off again, Gregoria pushed the girl out of the truck and fled the scene.   
Victor Perez is a hero and deserves full recognition for the risks he took and for what he was able to do. This little girl is now safely back with her mother because of Victor Perez. But Victor is only a part of this remarkable story.
If you read the news reports closely, you will see that there are a lot of heroes in this story – a lot of people did act. In fact it really was the actions of many in the neighborhood that helped to bring this little girl home. 
  1. The first bystander action --  some of the neighbors saw Gregoria pull up in his pickup truck and when it was clear that he was going to do something they yelled for the girls who were playing in the front yard to run. The other girls did get away safely.
  2. The second bystander action -- when Gegoria grabbed the girl and pulled her into his truck, a neighbor chased him and eventually lost the truck, but he did get a partial license plate number. 
  3. The third bystander action – someone gave the police survellience camera footage that had photos of the truck that could be aired on TV. 
  4. The fourth bystander action – when Victor jumped into his truck to give chase, his cousin got on the phone to call 911 and let the police know that the truck had been spotted. 
  5. The fifth bystander action – after the girl was returned to her mother, other people in a town nearby tipped the police which led to the arrest of Gregoria Gonzalez.   
It is often these small heroic actions that go unnoticed yet are so important to changing the culture and environment in which we live. This 8 year old girl is home again because MANY people chose to act and to help bring her home. Victor is certainly a hero. But the girl is home because many people cared enough to do something to help bring her home. 
Warmly
Joan
Topics: Bystander | Media Response

The Suicide of Four Gay Teens is about Sexual Violence

 Dear Engaged Bystander:  I have been hearing about the series of suicides by gay teens in the last few weeks. I grew up in New Jersey, at a much earlier time when gay issues were just emerging, playing the viola from 2nd grade into college. So the suicide of Tyler Clementi hit me especially hard. 

If you are not familiar with that particular case, let me give you some details. Tyler Clementi was an accomplished violinist in his freshman year at Rutgers. One evening he asked his roommate if he could have the room alone from 8 PM until midnight. His roommate gave him the room, but then turned on his computers webcam from another dorm room to see what was going on. The roommate allegedly wrote on his twitter account, “Roommate asked for the room till midnight. I went into molly's room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay.”, and then streamed the images out over the internet. When Tyler again asked for the room a few days later, his roommate posted the following, “Anyone with iChat, I dare you to video chat me between the hours of 9:30 and 12. Yes it's happening again”. Tyler turned off the webcam this second time, but the next day Tyler posted on his Facebook page, "Jumping off the gw bridge sorry." and then drove to the George Washington Bridge and jumped to his death. 
I am wondering why no one is talking about this as sexual violence? I hear gay activists demanding that this be considered a hate crime. I read about the dangers of bullying and comparing this story to the story of Phoebe Prince. All of these comparisons are true, but isn’t this what we consider sexual violence as well? If it was a group of fraternity boys filming unsuspecting girls having sex in their dorm rooms, wouldn’t everyone be up in arms against this kind of violation? I purposely use this word -- to me it is more than a privacy issue, bullying or a hate crime -- it is a violation. 
And I don’t want to dismiss in any way these other ways to address what happened. I think that we have a lot to learn from what is being done. Ellen DeGeneres put together an incredible short video asking people to get involved and not ignore the deaths of four different gay teens.  One of my favorite responses was from the columnist, Dan Savage. He has started the “It gets better project” based on the comments of so many older gay people saying I wish I could have spoken with him for just five minutes. These are short UTube stories of gay men and lesbians talking to teens about how it was hard for them too in high school but that it does get better.  All of these efforts are asking for people to get involved and not just say that these things happen. On a deeper level, they are also telling us that we ALL have a responsibility for our youth. It is OUR responsibility to begin to say something or do something.

We can all demand a better response next time, I think that these cases point to a deeper gap where we are not taking any responsibility for each other. 
So while I read the paper about the roommate who posted the video to the world wide web, I still have not yet heard a story about how any one of his friends who said that this is just not right. And while the investigation continues, Rutgers has launched a new campaign about respect and privacy, but it still has not taken responsibility for the lack of support for xx from the University. I wonder how he could have made such a huge decision and no one in his dorm, his RA, his circle of friends or professors really knew about it. 
I hope that the examples of Ellen and Dan will begin to inspire others to both respond AND take responsibility for making a difference in the lives of these teens. I hope that those in the sexual violence movement will also join in.
Warmly,
Joan
Topics: Bystander | Community Response | Examples of Talking about It | Media Response