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Examples of Talking about It
xCHANGE Featuring Dr. Victoria Banyard -- Save the Date
Dear Engaged Bystander: The xCHANGE is a really unique opportunity to talk with Dr. Victoria Banyard, a nationally recognized expert on bystander intervention and the lead researcher of the UNH program, Bringing in the Bystander. Here are the details:
The National Sexual Violence Resource Center is pleased to announce the first in a series of online forums that will focus on supporting the xCHANGE of information between advocates, prevention educators and researchers. The forums are free and all you need to participate is a user account at nsvrc.org.
Our first xCHANGE Forum will support the National Sexual Assault Awareness Month 2011 Campaign and features Dr. Victoria Banyard moderating a discussion on bystander intervention.
Save the Date!
Join us on April 12 from 2:30-3:30 PM Eastern where a live real time xCHANGE of information will occur on the effectiveness of bystander intervention approaches moderated by Dr. Victoria Banyard. Bystander intervention serves as the central theme and approach in the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s 2011 Sexual Assault Awareness Month Campaign: It’s Time…to Get Involved.
If you cannot join us on April 12th please participate in the continued discussion on bystander intervention that will occur through April 15th. This exchange will not be a real time discussion but the forum will be open for questions, responses and comments; responses will be posted daily.
More information and how to participate is available online. If you have any questions or need any assistance logging in or creating an NSVRC account please contact Jenn Benner at jbenner@nsvrc.org.
warmly
joan
The Guts to Create a World We Want to Live In
Dear Engaged Bystander: In this blog, I invited Jennifer Rauhouse of Peer Solutions to talk about her work to engage bystanders in sexual violence prevention.
Joan: Can you tell me about your approach to bystander intervention:
Jennifer: To really have an impact, we have learned why and how to move beyond individual level bystander interventions. We believe that we all must shift away from putting the responsibility on the person harmed to prevent their own assault. We need to empower communities to be a part of the solution while holding those that harm accountable for their actions.
Joan: I am intrigued in what you have learned about HOW to engage people:
Jennifer: One important strategy we use at Peer Solutions is to use the words victimization, perpetration and bystander-intervention as verbs rather than nouns. This approach focuses on the behaviors we want to change while avoiding labels, stereotypes, myths and blame. When used as verbs, victimization and perpetration also mean the same thing. The action we want to encourage is to place full accountability on the person harming. Community level activities can then be focused on learning why individuals victimize as well as understanding and working to prevent the perceived norms that perpetuate the culture of harm. When the “Bystander Intervention” concept is used as a verb, we are able to empower everyone to be part of the solution.
Joan: Have you developed a specific program that focusing on engaging the community in taking on responsibility?
Jennifer: When we begin, our STAND & SERVE members are activated to “build the world they want to live in” as a safe bystander strategy. We find it helpful to begin with that positive vision rather than focus on the individual skill building surrounding the infinite possibilities about what they “should” do if they see/hear of an individual planning to sexually assault another. We have learned this strategy provides the best guarantee that our participants, who do witness a potentially dangerous situation, no matter where they are or what it is, when they perceive it to be safe, they will most definitely SPEAK UP and seek help.
Joan: How do you bring this positive world view into reality?
Jennifer: STAND & SERVE activities include weekly lunch meetings at local high schools, weekly after school meetings at community centers for elementary-post secondary level students and monthly STAND & SERVE Coalition meetings. In January of 2011, the STAND & SERVE Coalition launched THE GUTS TO BE GOOD (G2BG). Through G2BG we work towards creating a world where all humans are safe and are treated equally and with respect. G2BG promotes five simple acts of kindness.
1. The guts to be RESPECTFUL,
2. The guts to be COURTEOUS,
3. The guts to SPEAK UP,
4. The guts to be HONEST and
5. The guts to LEND A HAND.
We believe it takes everyone to end sexual violence. We are all Peers, We are all the Solution. We would like to thank Carol Hensell at ADHS guiding and supporting our bystander approach for the past ten years.
Click here for more information about the STAND & SERVE Coalition and their programs. Although their website is under-construction, but sure to check back in with them soon.
Warmly
joan
When Bystanders Do Nothing They Open the Door to Abuse
Dear Engaged Bystander: When I give talks, I think that the hardest concept to get across is that our current frame for decision-making is wrong. Talk with anyone who sees something that makes them uncomfortable (e.g., a man pushing against a woman breasts in a NYC subway or a neighbor taking pictures of all the young girls at the public pool) and the decision they are trying to make is “to do something or do nothing”. I think that when we are uncomfortable, we need to decide WHAT is the best and safest thing for me to do in this situation. And there are hundreds of actions we can take in ANY situation. Having experienced the NYC subway, here are some things I have seen or heard:
- A young woman just comes out to loudly say to the man “That is just gross”,
- A young man took a picture of him and quietly said if he did not stop it was getting sent to the police,
- Upon exiting the car, one woman spoke with the young woman to see if this was a friend and if she was OK
- An older man simply stepped in between the two of them creating a physical barrier
Imagine you are the young woman on the subway what message is she getting from all of the people doing nothing. Imagine you are watching this situation and then again, what message are you getting?
I recently read about a 17 year old high school junior who won a $1 million lawsuit from a Vermont school district where a principal, a teacher and a counselor were accused of failing to report their suspicions that a student was being sexually abused. The lawsuit asserted that the school officials knew about the abuse for over a year but did not report what was happening to Josh Langlois (then 10 years old). During that year, the Josh continued to be sexually assaulted by his uncle who used a dog cage, dog collar and chains on his nephew. After the prolonged and brutal sexual abuse, Josh was under custody of the state, bounced from school to school, had behavioral problems and lived for nearly two years at a residential care facility for sexually abusing behaviors. He now is living safely with a loving and stable foster family, getting good grades in school and making plans to attend college.
Josh Langlois asked that his name be used so that he could speak about the case. When asked why, he replied that he wanted to highlight the law that requires teachers and others to report their suspicions of child abuse. He went on to say that just one phone call can save a child from abuse.
In a small town, I can understand someone’s reluctance to report someone they know if they are not totally sure that a child is being harmed. But what we don’t often consider is the impact of our inactivity. In this case, Josh was sexually abused for more than a year. We need to find ways to see inaction as the deepest form of apathy and the only environment where sexual abuse can thrive. When asked whether you want to build a foundation for abuse, then doing nothing makes sense.
Josh has experienced what it means to say nothing and then went on to demonstrate what it means to speak out as a victim and as a child who also harmed others. To me and I hope for all of us, he is a hero.
Warmly,
Joan
It's Never to Late to Say Something
Dear Engaged Bystander: 50 years later, the impact of a bystander to child sexual abuse could not be more profound. Imagine finally making the decision to talk about incest with your elderly aunt – only to find that she is willing to listen, acknowledge your reality and loving say “I am happy to hear you know it was not your fault.”
This week, I had the chance to spend some time with a wonderful friend and colleague, Donna Jenson. Donna has written and performs a one woman play, “What She Knows: One Woman’s Way Through Incest”, based on her life as an incest survivor and what she has done to make her life worth living. It is a powerful play that she ties to an open conversation with her audience.
She shared with me an amazing bystander story and conversation with her 80 year old Aunt Mable. As background to this story, Donna has let me share with you that she was sexually abused by her father from the age of seven to the age of twelve. Although she has been an incredible activist for women and for survivors for decades, it took her until the age of 45 to come out to her family as a survivor of child sexual abuse. Many in her family refused to believe it. Others recognized that something was not right.
Joan: What did that mean to you, that some of your family recognized what was going for you at that time?
One of my aunts told me something I hadn’t known. Early on in my life (I was maybe 3) my maternal grandmother knew something was very wrong – she noticed I trembled whenever my father entered a room. She tried to talk to my mom about it. My mother told my aunt, “If she makes me choose between him and the family, I’ll choose him.” And my grandmother remained silent.
I still wonder what would have happened to my life if their world had been surrounded by the idea of helping whole families, offenders included, rather than either putting up with them or throwing them away?
Joan: Now that it is 20 years later, what is it like for you to be in touch with your Aunt?
I love having contact with my family and especially my Aunt now that my grandmother is gone. My Aunt Mable writes to me every Christmas and now even stays in touch through email and texting. In January of last year, I told her about my play and what it was about. Her immediate response was, “I would love to read it.” I did not send it to her because, even after all of these years, I was afraid that I would lose her too…”
When I said I was coming to visit, she sent me a text that said, “So glad you are coming to visit. By the way, I am still waiting for a copy of your play.” I took a deep breath, wrote back and sent the play and my website. Two days later, I got a note that said “Just to let you know received the narrative. Have read it many times – trying to absorb it. Letter will follow.” I felt my stomach cringe, and even after all of these years, I got nervous about what her reaction might be.
Then I got another note that made all of the difference in the world. “I liked it. It is written well and serves the purpose for why it was written… I am happy you can say ‘it wasn’t my fault’ because my dear it was not your fault. Thank you for sending it to me. Love you.”
Joan: How did you respond to her? How did it make you feel?
I wrote back to tell her that she is the best Aunt a girl could ever hope for. And her message, which I still have saved on my cell phone, makes me cry. It is like a little piece of grace. No matter how much hard work I do, there is a little pool of muck that remains – that is not fully drained. But when someone that close to the situation validates what I have done. It is the grandest, purest of affirmations, especially when most of the rest of my family can’t deal with this.
Joan: What would you say to other families that might have a sense that something is not quite right?
You can make a difference -- just by being there. My Aunt Mable was one of the people I felt safe with. She has let me know that she knew something was not right. She was aware of the alcoholism and recognized what a tyrant my father was, even if she was not aware of the depth of the sexual abuse. Aunt Mable would always find ways to have special time with me, bounce me on her knee and sing silly songs together. In reality, when she came to visit I was safe. On her visits, she would sleep in my room and on those nights, nothing happened to me.
These moments of safety and this special attention is part of the foundation that allowed me to build my healthy life today. My Aunt, my grandmother, my husband, my daughter, my grandson, Cole and the people, friends, I call my family of choice are all a part of this foundation. And for those who struggle with what to say, please know that her affirmations 50 years later of what was not right in my childhood is healing for me. And yes for me the only word to describe it is a form of grace.
Joan: For more information about Donna’s work as a survivor and her incredible play, go to:
Just Do Something
Dear Engaged Bystander: I just watched an NBC special called "My Kid Doesn't Bully." I felt that this was worth writing about because they talk explicitly about the role of bystanders. What impressed me most on this show was how one of the invited experts, Rosiland Wiseman, (author of Queen Bees and Wannabees) talked about the impact of the bystander’s decision to do nothing. She said that the most common choice that bystanders will make is to stay “neutral” and not getting involved. She went onto say that this decision is actually a decision to support the bully. 
Now, this was clearly a made for TV special and there is a lot that is problematic about it (e.g., the boys are in sports settings and the girls are looking at fashion, there is no discussion of race dynamics, and the “actors” who played bullies were considerable older than the participating kids – making it even more difficult to confront them.
But the TV special made some excellent points. All of the experts talked about how it is important to do something – that doing something is a way for the bystanders to ensure that the bully or “mean girl” does not take away everyone’s power. At one point, when the victim actor began to cry because of the bullying by another actor, one of the boys watching the incident just lay down on the floor of the gym. This was one effective way to deflect the bully’s attention on the victim. In another incident, one girl was so angry that she just confronted the bully and said that this kind of bullying behavior was just unacceptable. Truth be told, her words were more along the lines of WTF…
What I liked about the special is that it showed concrete examples of what children and teens can do when they see this kind of bullying behavior. And through the examples, it was clear that there were many options for what a bystander can do in the moment but also afterwards.
What I didn’t like was that they clearly said that “kindness doesn’t work.” They told parents that being nice and kind is not enough because it is not effective when confronting a bully. I get what they were trying to say, but I believe that we do need to be able to be BOTH confrontative AND kind. The bully may back off when he or she is confronted. But if we want the bully to change, we need to be sure to find ways to show the bully a better way through the difficulties of adolescents.
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This same wisdom can be applied to sexual violence prevention. I would argue that we don’t know:
- The simple ways to talk with someone about their behaviors
- How to confront someone’s sexual behaviors in a kind way, that encourages them to change
- The impact of doing nothing, because if we did, I am SURE that most families would at least try to confront the behaviors they see in front of them.
Hopefully we will be able to get this same kind of attention soon. In the meantime, take the lead of these kids and say something the next time you see something.
Warmly
Joan
Dispatch from Vermont: The bystander approach through a health promotion lens
Dear Engaged Bystander: I’m all for the bystander approach and it seems as if the bystander strategy has taken a firm hold in the violence prevention field. I see many merits of the approach including reducing defensiveness in our conversations with men and boys, giving tools to address and interrupt problematic behaviors and attitudes on the spectrum of violence and empowering individuals to see themselves as part of a community response to violence. Wherever we have tried using the bystander approach there have been important shifts in our communities towards holding perpetrators accountable and involving everyone in the role of keeping each other safe; both key elements in our movement’s work.
During this same time I have also seen the rise of a health promotion framework for violence prevention. Health promotion strategies push our primary prevention efforts in a new direction. Instead of redirecting attitudes that may already be deeply entrenched away from violence and highlighting problematic behavior we don’t want to see, health promotion builds the vision of what we DO want. Through health promotion, the core of our work becomes creating conditions that allow people to develop and nurture their sexuality. Through developing a deeper sense of understand and respect for their own healthy sexuality, I hope that people with develop a deeper respect for the diversity of expressions of others’, a respect that does not leave room for the perpetration of any form of sexual violence, abuse or harassment.
In Vermont we are about to roll out a statewide educational campaign around consent that uses a health promotion framework. There will be train the trainer programs where teams of adults, youth and youth serving organizations come together to learn and plan for how to bring the information back to their communities. One key aspect of this campaign is the involvement of youth in both the planning and educational efforts. Another is developing tools and activities that work across the social ecological model.
It was here that we found a new blend of heath promotion with bystander strategies. Within the Consent Campaign we offer tools and resources that encourage youth to become not just active bystanders who are ready to intervene, but youth who have an expectation that it is their responsibility to talk to their peers and share the information they gain around consent. Many research articles tell us that youth are most influenced by their social peers and we have learned that the messenger counts for so much in youth relationships. We are using that basic concept and empowering the kids to take the conversation out of the classroom and to their friends. We should be talking about these things with each other.
We are encouraging the expansion of the bystander role: not just there to intervene, but also to educate and engage. This model of collaboration with youth keeps our prevention information alive, passing it from one to the next. Hopefully, as we increase the level of conversation happening around healthy sexuality we will help break down the veil of secrecy that keeps so many victims from seeking and receiving support as well. By combining the bystander and health promotion approaches we build community capacity, expand our reach, and empower youth to become involved in our movement towards real social change.
Bethany Pombar is the Prevention Specialist at the Vermont Network Against Domestic and Sexual Violence, where she has worked for 7 years. She has a B.S. in Prevention and Community Development and lives with her family in the smallest state capital in the nation where there are no fast food chains and only two traffic lights.
Superbowl Sunday – The Perfect Teachable Moment
Dear Engaged Bystander: Jackson Katz wrote a wonderful article for the Huffington Post called “What to Say to Boys and Men about Big Ben.” In the article, he outlines 11 excellent points about how to talk about Ben Roethlisberger, the star quarterback of the Pittsburg Steelers. For those of you who might not remember, Mr Roethlisberger was accused of raping a young woman in a bar bathroom while his bodyguards stood outside to prevent anyone from going in.
Before you watch the Superbowl this Sunday, read this excellent article. He talks about the importance of:
- Leadership, on and off the field
- Taking responsibility to stand up to people who mistreat others
- The role that teammates and friends can play in preventing sexual violence
These points are also summarized by the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape.
This article provides the overview of what needs to be said to every boy and man and I would add, every girl and woman as well in America. I also would add encouragement to also have a conversation about the incident before or after the game. What Jackson Katz emphasizes so well is the impact that all of us can have on the prevailing beliefs of our friends and family. But a conversation might sound a little differently than the article. So if it is helpful, here are some questions you may want ask:
- Did you hear about the incident? What was your reaction? Does your reaction change or would you feel differently if the woman was your best friend, your sister, or your daughter?
- What did you think about his suspension for four games at the beginning of the season? Are there other ways that the NFL could have sent a strong message that sexual violence is not acceptable?
- If the Pittsburg Steelers wanted to take on a leadership role in the fight against sexual violence, what could they do with the national focus on their time during the Superbowl?
I am sure there are many other questions to ask. But if you can, take the time to bring some attention to this issue, before, after or in the right households even during the game.
Warmly
joan
Jackson Katz, Ph.D., is the creator and co-founder of the Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP) program, the leading sexual and domestic violence prevention initiative in college and professional athletics. For more information, visit www.jacksonkatz.com.
Caring is a Reflex
Dear Engaged bystander: I just finished reading the most recent issue of Partners in Social Change (PISC) focused on “Bystanders: Agents of Primary Prevention.” What struck me about this publication by the Washington Coalition of Sexual Assault Programs were the underlying values that thread through each and every one of these articles. Values of:
- hope,
- what each of us does (or doesn’t do) matters,
- we each have a chance to make a difference in someone’s life or in the world, and
- we do need to care for each other
For full disclosure, I wrote one of the articles in this issue.
In conversations with Kat Monusky, the editor of this publication, she said that she hoped the articles could provide practical examples for what individuals can do, but also provide practical insights to reframe a social environment that supports healthy relationship (not sexual violence).
Here is a quick preview:
- Telling a story to inspire action (Joan Tabachnick)
- Bystander Interventions: A commentary on relationship’s roles in ending seism and mal dominance (Eli Crawford)
- The Red Flag Campaign: Using media to engage bystanders (Liz Cascone and Kat McCord)
- Bystander Intervention, “neat”: Practical Tips for Engaging Bar Staff in Sexual Violence Prevention (Meg Bossong)
- Program Highlights: ASPEN and Green Dot (Clayton Self)
Each of these articles offer a unique insight into the issue of bystander intervention. And what I love about all of them is that they talk about the importance of everyone doing something AND discuss the importance of the environment that can encourage or discourage action. For example, Meg Bossong (featured in a prevention NSVRC blog posting) talks about the importance of involving bar staff in their program. She also talks about what she learned from them as key to the program success.
If you have time, this is a great snapshot of some great community based and college based programs. I think you will find it helpful to your work and hopefully provide you with food for thoughts and further discussion.
Warmly
joan
PS I recently read a great quote from Ram Dass where he says: “Caring is a reflex. Someone slips, your arm goes out. A car is in the ditch, you join the others and push. You live, you help.” I just love this expectation that we are there for each other.
Tell the Super Bowl Host Committee: Don't be a bystander to child trafficking
Dear Engaged Bystander: I recently received a notice that said: “Tell the Super Bowl Host Committee: Don't be a bystander to child trafficking.” Of course I had to read it.
The note went onto give some very disturbing statistics.
· Every year, children as young as 11 are trafficked involuntarily to Super Bowl cities. There, football fans – usually men, often inebriated – will pay traffickers to have sex with them.
· The Texas Attorney General estimates these kids have a life expectancy of just seven years from the time they're first trafficked.
Although the Super Bowl Host Committee has been asked "to engage in responsible planning” they have refused to work with local anti-trafficking groups to educate fans and the public about the dangers of child trafficking. This local organization, Traffick911 has created the "I'm Not Buying It" campaign but the Host Committee refused to display any of the free PSAs, posters, banners or informational cards.
My guess is that they are afraid that it would generate bad publicity.
It might be time to let the Host Committee know that to generate good publicity for North Texas and the game, it might be time to show that they care deeply about their fans and about the safety of the community they are working with.
If you want to get involved, look at the Traffick911 website. They have a number of simple things that you can do, today.Warmly
joan
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
Dear Engaged Bystander: When I was looking for quotes for the NSVRC publication, “Engaging Bystanders in Sexual Violence Prevention” I kept coming upon quotes by Martin Luther King Jr. I was looking for statements, by famous people, that would reverberate for the reader on many levels. I wanted quotes that could begin to shake us out of apathy or complacency and inject some urgency for action. I found quote after quote by MLK and what was remarkable was that I had so many to choose from.
To recognize and celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. on this national holiday, I wanted to share these quotes again with you. These are the ones that I chose for the publication:
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is
‘What are you doing for others?’”
“In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies,
but the silence of our friends.”
Unfortunately, I did not find relevant quotes from other nationally recognized leaders in the United States that carried the same passion for speaking about “things that matter.” In the movement to stop sexual violence we have spoken for years about “breaking” or “shattering” the silence surrounding sexual abuse. I feel that our struggle has shifted because there are news features, television drama, movies, and others that have stopped the silence. The real struggle today is to learn how to talk about a subject that no one wants to even think about.
But when we look at the words of Martin Luther King Jr. we begin to realize that we still don’t talk about the impact of our silence on our friends. I know from stories of survivors that the silence of those that we love that can hurt the most. Conversely, I also know from stories that some acknowledgement from a friend or a sibling or a close relative can make all of the difference in the world.
So in memory of Martin Luther King Jr. – say something to a friend that is meaningful to them or to you. Acknowledge a hard situation. Laugh together about what you wish you had been able to say. Begin that conversation about your concerns for someone you love. But make a commitment to say something to someone you care about.
It is a perfect birthday gift to a man who spoke out for the freedom of so many Americans.
Warmly
Joan
